Whoo!
(HIP-HOP PLAYING ON RADIO)
Dude, we are like Jerry Seinfeld right now.
Yeah, we run this city.
- What up, bitches? - Whoo!
We own this city! We're driving!
- This isn't a taxi, this isn't an Uber! - Nope!
We own you bitches! We own...
The last guy was black so I didn't wanna, like, own him.
- Good call. - This is awesome, though.
Oh, love parki...
- There's a spot! There's a spot! - Yes!
Do we have the best luck or what?
- (MAN YELLING) - (GASPS)
- Fuck you. - No, fuck you!
Fuck you!
Okay, it's too small, anyway.
- (CAR HORNS HONKING) - ILANA: Oh, come on.
- Motherfucker. - Motherfucker.
There are no spots. Does everyone have a car now?
(BRAKES SQUEAL)
(TIRES SCREECH)
Did we get it?
I just realized it's a driveway.
Fuck!
(BOTH SHIVERING)
- Dude, could we put the top back up? - It's frozen in place. I tried.
Oh, God. Okay, we need to park.
We need to park now.
No spots. Why would there be spots?
- (LAUGHING) - There's a spot! There's a spot!
Motherfucker!
- Shit! - You know what?
Owning this car's been the worst two weeks of my life.
- Wait, someone's gonna steal it. - Exactly.
(SHIVERING)
MAN: Four and three and two and one, one
Dude.
You can't bring those in here.
Well, it's worth, like, six or seven bucks.
There's loose juice all over the place.
How many times can you...
(GROANS)
Quality bottles.
Um, I purchased these Dunkaroos last week,
and then I realized that they were expired.
Yeah.
All Dunkaroos are expired.
Any Dunkaroos you see are literally from the '90s.
They're from before I was born.
- Before you... - Yeah.
Okay, we don't need to get into the nitty-gritty
of Dunkaroos' corporate history or whatever.
I would just love to return this product please.
Yeah, you can't return stuff at a bodega.
Okay, well then I will please take store credit.
(SIGHS)
You can return them if you can tell me my name.
Yeah, of course.
Your name is Bo...
Dega?
You think my name is Bodega?
Oh, my God.
No! I was gonna say Bodine.
- That's not a name. - It is so.
My favorite aunt's name is Bodine.
You know, very irresponsible.
That you sell expired products knowingly.
Bye, Abbi.
(SNORING)
Get up, it's time for work!
- Where you going? - To brush my teeth.
- Well, what're you gonna wear? - Scrubs?
Can you show me the dimensions of your armoire?
- What? - Just do it!
(GIGGLING)
What?
Aw! (LAUGHING)
(SCREAMS)
Oh, my God!
You look so good together!
Nailed it! Nailed it!
You know, I always thought of being a dog uncle.
Coming in and out of the dog's life,
all about fun and games and treats and toys.
Being a dog dad is different. It's a lot of responsibility.
That's a big choice to make for another person, Ilana.
You know what's also a big choice?
Killing a dog,
and that's what was gonna happen to her today.
But, you know, I get it.
If you feel a six-figure salary isn't enough to support a tiny dog...
- No, no, no, God, no! - 'Cause I can take her back.
She's precious and beautiful.
I love her.
How long was the dog in the box?
- Good haul! - Oh, thanks.
I don't, like, need-need this. This is just for, like, extra cash.
- 'Cause I'm actually an artist. - Me, too.
Showing in New York and London right now.
Gotcha. Wow, I'm showing
in one of the most prestigious chiropractor's offices in the Village.
- (MACHINE BEEPING) - Oh, can time!
Okay.
- Thank you, brudder. - Sure.
So... Got you a gift.
Oh, my God. That's an iPad.
- Yes. - Thank you so much... Um...
Wait, why is it not in a box?
- It's refurbished. - It is?
Yeah, it's like brand new.
Except not.
No, I mean, look, one could make the argument
that if you give a gift, it should be brand new.
You know, I just gave you $400 worth of almost-new iPad.
No, you're right. Thank you.
I'II... I'll just wipe it clean.
Now, you gotta get out of here because Abbi's coming,
and I want her to think she's the only person getting a gift today.
Is hers new?
Get out of here. Go!
Oh, my God, here she is. Go, go, go, go, go! Hide your face!
(SIGHS) I love money.
Fuck!
- People are so rude. - Disgusting.
I'm really sorry I'm late.
My train karma is at an all-time low,
as is my general karma.
- I really need a job. - Mmm-hmm.
Maybe I just need to aim low.
- Like maybe Forever 21? - (GROANS)
Or that shitty coffee shop on Avenue A?
- Love that place. - Or Barnes and Noble, maybe?
How many dumps have I taken at Barnes and Noble?
Well, that's a solid list. And I got just the thing to seal the deal.
- Ilana. - For you.
- No. - Yes.
Are you kidding me?
This is that fancy bag we saw in the window.
Yep. I have been making so much freakin' "caysh,"
and having so much fun spending it on myself.
But now that I am old money, I gotta start giving it away.
- How much was this? - (CLEARS THROAT)
Was it more than the blue dress?
Was it more than an ounce?
Stop stressing about it.
Ilana, was it more than my rent?
(CLEARS THROAT) Times two.
What? I mi... I can't keep this.
- You have to take it back. - Absolutely not.
I seriously believe in you, Abbi. And you have to dress for success.
You need to look how you feel.
I feel like I spent two hours this morning recycling bottles and cans for $4.15.
Yows. All right.
Well, now, you can feel like you wear two month's rent around your body.
Everyone is gonna see how freakin' hot you are today
including you, okay?
Go get 'em, tiger. I'm gonna go be Santa
to one last sweet, little elf.
All right. Thanks, Ilana.
I owe you one. I'll see you later.
- Love ya. - Love you, too.
Jaime...
Himmelz!
I have a gift for my little Guatemalan coffee bean,
and you will never guess what it is...
Jaime? Jaime?
Himmelz?
- Jaime, what happened? - (SHOWER RUNNING)
- Don't you see? - What? No!
Look at yourself.
Jaime, what're you saying?
We have bed bugs!
(JAIME SOBBING)
No!
Thank you!
Ew!
It's about the bag.
Love that bag.
Oh... Well, then have at it!
ILANA: Oh, God!
People like us don't get bed bugs!
Yes, we can. Because we do.
Well, I've been really careful about who I'm with and where I sit,
so where do you think you got them?
Oh, that's rich, okay?
I've been going through a dry spell ever since I cut off my peepee.
I haven't slept with anybody for two months.
We got this from "jou," lady.
- Jew lady? - You! You!
Well, I am in a relationship so I'm safe.
Okay, then maybe we got them from Abbi.
(GASPS) Don't you dare bring her into this!
I went too far.
Have you been using protection?
- What are we even talking about now? - A mattress protector.
Tell me you got a mattress protector.
Yes.
(STAMMERING) Yes.
You lying. You are a liar!
- Mattress protector! - (SCREAMS)
Anthro.
Baby's got a brand new bag.
- Excuse me. - Hi, how may I help you?
Can I please speak to the manager?
Absolutely. Follow me.
God, maybe I could've fucked less people before I got back together with Lincoln.
Those people were filthy.
No, I could've been more careful.
I always sit on the wooden benches in the subway platform
even though I know that they are carriers.
I just love the way the wood feels.
You know, it's easy to blame yourselves, but it's not your fault.
Bed bugs don't discriminate.
I once saw these suckers take out the Metropolitan Opera House.
What if we got rid of our clothes and our possessions?
And what if we promised to learn how to pray?
- Or we could move? - No, no, no, no.
You don't treat the apartment and move and the city finds out,
you're looking at 10 years to life.
- Jesus Christ. - Puta madre!
You live in New York City five years, you got bed bugs.
Well, I do have some good news. I found the source.
This moist, dark paper right here.
That's where they first laid their eggs.
- (SOBBING) - No, no!
- Yeah, we're gonna have to burn all this. - On what? Booze? Hookers?
I meant literally burn it.
- Isn't that illegal under federal law? - When it comes to bed bugs,
it's illegal not to burn infested cash.
Why couldn't we have just gotten herpes?
Then we could at least keep all our stuff
and I could've just learned to use concealer.
I can't guarantee that I can get 'em out.
However, I can guarantee that I can't.
You heard me.
Yeah, so actually, the flagship Anthropologie
was in my hometown.
No disrespect, Lisa, but I probably knew about Anthropologie before you did.
Well, I didn't even know where the first one was.
Fun fact, there was actually a coffee shop inside.
We should bring that back.
- Yeah, you should. - So you were a fitness trainer?
It's actually an amazing story.
- Mmm-hmm. - I was a trainer.
But I started at the company as a cleaner.
A janitor at the gym.
I turned a shitty job
into a "fitty" job.
(BOTH LAUGHING)
Because, Lisa, I had a plan of attack, and I climbed that corporate ladder.
I often see things other people don't.
It's a skill of anticipation.
You know? And that's exactly what I did, Lisa.
That's exactly what I did.
(EXHALES)
Well, that is how you nail an interview.
- Oh, stop it. - I mean, I have to talk
to the higher-ups, but I know you'll be a valuable addition to the Anthro family.
Wow.
Great.
- (PHONE RINGING) - MARCEL: (OVER PHONE) Sushi Mambeaux.
Marcel, hey, it's Ilana.
I can't believe I'm about to say this but...
- You have bed bugs. - How'd you know?
Because Brenda was using Sushi Mambeaux
as her own personal hussy hut.
- What? - Clean out your ears, Other Tonya.
Brenda was running a prostitution ring out of Sushi Mambeaux after hours.
She brought in bed bugs and who in the heck knows what else.
So we are closed for fumigation indefinitely.
Well, what about my job?
Child, I hope you put your cash in the bank
and made yourself a little breast egg 'cause who knows if we'll bounce back.
Well, where are you gonna go?
I'm gonna go wherever I can be the best father
to my only son.
Well, my son.
- Toodles! - But...
Fuck!
I guess this is our lives now. We have bed bugs.
We are fully fucked by bed bugs.
Us and all our marks.
- You have it a lot worse than I do. - It's 'cause I'm sweeter.
- What are we gonna do? - I'm calling Abbi.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)
(WHISPERING) Shit.
Oh, my God.
- Oh, no. - (PHONE VIBRATING)
Nice purse.
In here!
- Hey... - Shut up! Go!
Hey, hey, hey. Bodine. Bodine, hey!
- Bodine, please! Just... Bodine... - (PHONE BEEPING)
- All right, withdraw the money.
- All right. - Before she gets back.
All right, all right.
Okay, can you just look away for a second please?
- What for? - (STAMMERS) My PIN, I just...
Oh, my God. I'm mugging you, bitch!
- Okay, okay. - (ATM BEEPING)
Oh, let me guess. Were you born in 1-9-88?
- Jesus. Good PIN. - Okay, you know what?
I don't usually have a gun pointed at me, bitch.
I have a license to carry this.
- Do you wanna see my permit? - No.
- Do you wanna see it? - No, I don't.
No, I didn't think so. Go to your fucking balance now.
- Come on! - I'm just not doing very well right now.
- Do it! - Okay, okay!
Oh, my God. Is this a joke?
No, I'm having a rough time right now.
(SIGHS) Let me see your savings.
I canceled it 'cause it was costing me, like,
six bucks a month, and that wasn't really doing me any good, so...
That's your total equity?
$374? Are you kidding me?
You gotta keep more money in your bank account than that!
- No, I know. - What if there's an emergency?
What if the economy all of a sudden tanks?
- What're you gonna do? - I'm not sure.
- Wow. - You're giving me advice?
You're mugging me right now so...
At least I'm proactive about my finances.
(SCOFFS) And, look.
You clearly are living beyond your means.
Can you afford that bag?
This was a gift from a very wealthy friend.
That's too expensive for you. Give me that.
MASSOUMA: Get out of my bodega, motherfucker.
(GUN COCKS)
Holy shit.
Oh, my God. Thank you so much.
Maybe you could've gotten the bag and the money.
Maybe you could've remembered my name.
That's fair.
Hey, I have full-on bed bugs. Can I come over?
Ugh, Ilana, no. That's how it spreads.
Plus, if I got bed bugs from my sister what would people think?
You are so afraid of incest. You need to talk about that in therapy.
Yes, of course, come home for the weekend, sweetheart.
That'd be wonderful. You know what?
We'll go do nails, then bags, then maybe...
Well, uh, Mom, I am gonna need complete access
to the washer and dryer because I'm gonna bring every item
of clothing home that I own and, to be honest,
most of the time I'm gonna be in the shower
scrubbing the bed bugs from my hair and body.
You haven't been home in months, and now you get bed bugs,
and you wanna bring 'em here? No, no, no. Fuck you.
So I thought maybe we could play with the puppy,
watch a little movie, make some dinner.
I'll give you really rigorous head...
- I'm with that. ...right after I take a shower
'cause I have, um, bed... Bed bugs.
What? No!
Come on, Lincoln, my family's turned me away.
I really need you, my boyfriend, right now.
And I just happen to be right outside your building.
Come on, Lincoln.
Sorry, Ilana, I can't let you in.
I'm a dad now.
Sticky's health is my first priority.
- You named her? - Yeah, Sticky.
- Like sticky rice. - Sticky rice.
- It's my favorite type of rice. - That's so cute it hurts.
Listen, I'm sorry I can't help, Ilana.
- I'll call you tomorrow. Good luck. - Love you.
I just wanna smush you and eat you up!
Ugh, I'm turning into my mother.
MASSOUMA: Bodegas save lives.
Me and my family, we take that responsibility
like, really seriously, and we have a permit.
- We know our Second Amendment rights. - Right, Second Amendment.
- That's the gun one. - I mean, I was born here,
but I helped my parents study for their citizenship.
- Wow. - So I know the Constitution
like the back of my hand.
Yeah, no, me too.
I know it like the back of, like...
My foot.
Never forget it.
'Cause I'm from Philadelphia.
Well, I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia.
But, like, it's, like, 40 minutes tops to the Founding Fathers.
Crackin' that bell, right?
Liberty! Ding-dong...
Well, what I'm really looking forward to
is the 26th Amendment because then I'll actually
get to be part of the conversation, you know?
Totally. Conversation Amendment.
Yeah.
Massouma, I'm sorry that I did not know your name.
I know it now. It was just, like,
we passed a certain point, and then I couldn't ask, you know?
I may be a dumb, white bitch, but I'm not that dumb.
And really, really, I'm not a bitch.
- (CHUCKLES) - (BELL RINGING)
- Hey. - Ilana, how did you know that I was here?
Massouma texted me.
- You... You have her number? - Oh, yeah, we go way back.
- Do you wanna come inside? - I can't.
I have... Bed bugs.
- What? - (GUN COCKS)
- Jeez, Massouma. - I'm kidding, I'm kidding.
- I'm kidding. - (LAUGHS) That's not funny, dude.
- Oh, my... - Abbi, could I come over, dude?
Everyone else has turned me away.
Of course you can come over. You're my best friend.
I mean, I guess this makes me a real New Yorker now.
I mean, he had a gun.
And then, he's ragging on me about my balance?
I'm like, "You're mugging me, bitch."
What a bitch.
- That's a real garbage person. - Totally.
- Thanks again for having me over. - Of course, obviously.
And that, my friend, is how you 'belt it.
You are a retail queen.
Livin' in it.
Abbi Abrams, Anthro gal.
I do really have a good feeling about this.
Even though the bag was taken...
- Don't! - Which I'm really sorry about.
I am so glad that it came in our lives for such a brief...
But the purpose it served, you know,
I love that the bag was stolen!
- I love it! - And you don't have to
get stuff so crazy, that was a lot.
- It's a lot. - It was, like, a lot of money.
- $1,300. - What?
Abbi, you look great.
We're so excited to have you on board.
Oh, I'm so excited to be part of the team.
I mean, this is such a great place to work.
I've been looking for something like this.
So I know it's my first day,
but I took the liberty of doing some sketches
of some potential window displays,
pulled some fabrics, and I think that you're
gonna be extremely impressed.
- You can put that on. - Okay,
This is... Oh, okay.
Is this, like, a new team look or something?
It seems a little big.
- And here's your walkie. - Okay.
Basically, Sunil is your go-to guy for any security questions you have.
You're gonna kill it, Abbi.
You rock.
Welcome to the Command Center.
- (RADIO CRACKLING) - Abbi, you okay?
- (RADIO CRACKLING) - Yeah, uh, all's clear at the west door.
- (RADIO CRACKLING) - Do the thing.
- (RADIO CRACKLING) - Abbi out.
You ever consider sex work?
Like, maybe, like small stuff.
- Hand jobs. - Would they have to see
anything other than my hand?
- No. - I would do that
if it was just my hand.
Let me get back to you. Let me get back to you.